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The Last Apology

Dear Everyone,

I want you to know that I value you all. Every single friend in my life has been important to me, and I am constantly amazed by the talented, eclectic, eccentric, and unique group of people I've had the pleasure of knowing through my life thus far. It makes me proud, and I'm always proud of all of you. I couldn't ask for better friends than you. You have, most likely, influenced my life greatly and helped me become more like the person I've always wanted to be, even when life deals its sucker punches and I stumble.

This is my last apology to you. I'm sorry for letting myself stay down for so long. I'm sorry I haven't been the friend you deserve in return for your friendship to me. I know I've been distant, I know I've been reclusive and cold. When I'm hurting, I freeze. I close myself to the world, and I want nothing but the best for you. When I am not the best I can be? There's an unfair conflict of interests there, and it's entirely asinine. My daily life is a constant negative environment. I've known no worse solitude, and endured no such cynicism and carelessness before. This past year has tested me in ways I hardly imagined, and certainly in ways I have never known before. But as a result, I will be an even better person still. Brick walls exist to stop those who aren't passionate enough to overcome them. I have things to do and experiences to live. I have goals to meet that need not live up to anyone's standards but my own.

But I don't wish to stay so far away forever. I will not apologize again, as from this moment in my life, there should exist no reason for me to. Not for this year of my life I wish to leave behind me, to step away from and keep only as a memory that drives me to never allow myself to repeat it. I can and will be ready for life after this. I've grown up, and the final push was the hardest part of all.

I missed you, and I love you.
Sorry 'bout the dickery
C

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First of all....I'd LOVE to colour your lineart. Send me something, and I promise a whole lot of awesome will be spewed across it while I build my colorist portfolio.

I think my art is reaching a point where I'm satisfied with it, but not. Which is actually a good thing, oddly enough! This means I'm ready to be slammed in the face with some critique, suggestions, and overall input about the style I work in, the skills I have, what I do well and where I should focus on improving. I never, ever want to stop pushing myself and leveling up as far as my work goes. I'm glad I'm back at the confidence threshold where I can be very easily receptive to such things again. At the moment? I am not my worst critic, which is pretty awesome.

So I would SO appreciate it if you commented here. Please tell me what it is that draws you to my art. Why do you watch me? What do you like about it? And what should I continue to work towards, work on, or incorporate more into what I do? I'm going to shut my mouth on this one. I could list A THOUSAND THINGS I think I'm less than awesome with, but I don't want to taint the water before opening the flood gates, you know? I'VE been my own worst enemy ever artistically ever since graduating art school. I need some new jerks kicking me and pushing me again. ;D

This was all oddly brought around by something as dumb as me disliking my interpretation of the Medic, but my boyfriend telling me he preferred mine over the more 'on model' sketches I sat and tried to crank out one night. Straw that broke the queerbot's back and all, I guess. Ha!

So thanks much in advance for any comments, tl;dr or just a quick howdy and hey. I really appreciate you guys, and am constantly surprised by how sweet and awesome most of you are around here. I think I'm lucky that way, to be in a cool kids crowd.

-C

PS. TF2---
I am TOLERABLE AT THIS GAME NOW. Perhaps, if I strive for it, I will level up to OKAY!

As always, COME PLAY WITH ME SOMETIME.
[link]
Add me as a pal if you want a medic to get all behind you an' shit.

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EDIT: I'm on Steam again now. I'm a tard and have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm awesome. I'm also looking for FRIENDS TO RUN IN CIRCLES WITH and to teach me what to do without making fun of me. Too much. So if you want to play some TF2 with me, add me PLZ. My handle is thatboydies


So here it is, a new snazzy journal for a new subscription. OH BOY. I've been alive and around. Been working a lot, on art and otherwise, at my job and at staying sane. Looking forward to Otakon. Looking forward to moving out. Looking forward to crushing the skulls of my enemies with a pure epic wham slam punchout. Doing okay.


Finishing up my small backlog of gifts, trades, and commissions. I have SO FEW. I'm looking forward to being able to take more soon. Motivation is the one thing I haven't been lacking lately. HOORAH. My hard drive though? Shat the bed and is now a brick. So here I am with a broken external, that housed all of my art from 2004 to present day. Ouch. Hopefully I can save that stuff off of it, because while a lot of it isn't impressive anymore? It had a few pieces I wanted for my website, a billion photos, and my animations from senior year on it. So yeah. Getting that back would be keen.


Love you guys as always. Thanks for the large influx of visits lately and commentary and favs and stuff, dudes. I might not comment all that often lately, but I TOTALLY appreciate it more than you know.

-C

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Has been an absolute mess in almost every way. I've been put through more tests and trials in 2008 alone than ever before in my life. I'm young. I'm growing. I'm ruthlessly carving my own place in the world despite its resistance to let me even scratch the surface.

I'm out of college. I'm an adult, living an adult's life while keeping a timeless passion and hope alive. I never want to stop learning, creating, imagining, or sharing the love of art and ideas with others.

Things haven't been easy all the time. Things may get even worse before they get better. But there are things I'd never give up for all the world that keep me going and assure me of the brighter times ahead.

My father once told me that life was just a cycle of ups and downs. But the good thing about it? Was that, in some way, each high is always a little bit higher than the last. If we strive and work and never stop? We can only keep going up from here.

So Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and have a wonderful New Year. Let's all start 2009 with hope and great expectations. Because we all deserve to rise beyond the boundaries we trap ourselves in. We all need to amaze ourselves, and be better than we ever thought possible.

Let's dream it and be it.

I love you, Jay.
I love you, everyone.